"What's the perfect girl, if it's not the perfect time?" Big Sean asked a valid question.
In college, I was hmmm maybe...19 or 20 years old, I am not sure. It was my sophomore year and I was dating this guy. "BIG MISTAKE", Dude, don't date in college, no one does that anymore. Felt a connection, I guess, and then boom, I was smack dab in the middle of, "You're the type of girl I'd want to marry, but it's just not the right time."
How many of us women have heard that? hmmmmmmmmm?? After we've wasted our time...Well, I won't go into more details only because God is good and all is forgiven, but timing is in fact everything.
Instagram, and relationship blogs alike are flooding our timelines with, "A man will not put you first until he's got his stuff together." or the "You can't be the right woman to the wrong man."
YA, Maybe it's true, Maybe not true. I don't have all of the answers, Sway.
But, let's shift gears. What does it even mean to be a good woman? Is the definition narrowly tailored? Is there mobility? Are women supposed to be this cookie-cutter, perfect, prim, proper, super hero of a person, with no emotions, lacking all humanistic qualities to be considered "Amazing & UNTOUCHABLE?"
When I look at all of the relationships I've experienced, friends, family, boyfriends, I realized a common trend:
1.I've wasted my good years;
2.I've been good to people who were absolutely shitty to me; and
3. I've been shitty to people who have been absolutely shitty to me.
Balance?????? mmm Nah
When I originally wrote this post, it was about drawing the line, and refusing to compromise your self for the sake of others. UH VAGUE, I know, but, let's park that for a minute, because as life ebbs and flows, my perspective has definitely changed.
Quite frankly, people are human, including me and we don't always get things right. I may put myself on a pedestal because I know I am a queen, and I am worthy of it, but my shit STANNNNNNNKKKKKKKK too. Don't let the pretty blondie in that picture fool you. I don't get it right all of the time. I OWN THAT. I DO, but I am a wonderful woman and I own that too.
I write this as a reminder to stop expecting folks to get it right and JUST BE_____. I'm just not focused on being a "good woman." I know right? What, sis?
Why? Because, I've watched "good women" get treated with the utmost disrespect. Cheated on, abused and simply robotic. Like, my mom doesn't know how to stay home and do nothing, because someone always needs her for something. She pours into everyone, leaving her with feeling unappreciated, and with a diagnosis of high blood pressure, diabetes and a negative outlook on life.
In fact, I was one of those women. Giving, and giving without preserving myself, only to realize I'm not gaining a damn thing.
I was that woman, last year, two months ago, 3 hours ago. FUCK! We mirror the habits of those close to us, without even realizing it.
Which connects us to Big Sean's line. We don't always value what's right in front of us. We are also not always 100% aware of the detriment we are being to ourselves, when we give more than we are capable of giving.
We make choices and every choice has it's consequence. It's okay to be someone that "gives" but give without expecting anything in return. It is also okay to not "give" a damn thing. Do only what you have the capacity to do.
Listen ya'll, I don't want to be a "good woman", if it means I am stressed and giving at the expense of my own sanity. I just want to be a good person. I just want to feel light.
I have been naïve, not rooted in the boundaries, I've set for myself. Not realizing that there is a freaking reason I set those damn boundaries in the first place.
I've learned to set boundaries with people who have inflicted their own transgressions on me. Just because you're not in a good place, today, or even in life, that has nothing to do with me. That's your business.
I want what's best for everyone, but I will never tolerate being a scapegoat to anyone. I'm learning now, that when people try to place me at the center of their issues, to not hold on to the momentary lack of disregard, or respect for me, but rather, to make note of the behavior & redirect.
I've struggled with a relationship I had with one of my sisters for so many years. Part of it is jealousy, and envy the other part is betrayal. I was always in the line of fire when it came to my older siblings. Instead of stooping to their level of disrespect, I learned to redirect their emotions. "I'll pray for you, or I don't appreciate that and I will give you time for us to have a conversation when you are in a better place." This mindset is applicable for all relationships across the board.
Raïna has been defensive, argumentative and reclusive when Raïna has had an emotionally draining day. I too have poured my negative emotions on anyone who was in my path.
Sometimes the toxic person is you, sis.
Do yourself a favor and learn how to communicate, when you need to just be: ______ (fill in the blank). There is nothing wrong with feeling upset, sad, mad, angry, disappointed. Just don't live there for too long, feel it and move on.
I lost myself somewhere. I lost myself to the point where, I don't feel good. I have this knot in my stomach, that makes me feel uneasy 90% of the time. What is that? Maybe the feeling that I've failed.
There's a reason I've set those DAMN BOUNDARIES.
However, we are going to lose ourselves and find ourselves again. I just want to love myself even better each time.
PRAY for everyone. BLOCK the negativity. BLOCK toxic behavior.
I've allowed too much, for too long. My face is long neck and shoulders are tight. I'm challenging myself this week to let go and release that tension.
I'm less focused on the losses, and more focused on WINNING.
As I mature, I realize that I have become too dependent on human beings, when we're all trying to figure out this life, (BS).... thing.
Fill yourself up, when you are feeling misunderstood. Whenever you are understood, just appreciate it for what it is, and nothing more.
People will show you, what you mean to them. The ugly moments do not reduce how valuable you actually are, but we can only do so much.
I can only reveal myself as the true gem that I am, however I won't teach you or force you how to appreciate me.
Personally, I just want to live the life God wants me to live. I just want to live accordingly to my purpose, and be joyful and at peace along the way. I rely on HIM, because He is ALPHA and there is nobody greater.
Take a minute today. Thank God for giving you a chance to start over again. Thank God for knowing your heart and have faith that HE will pull you through the obstacle you are facing right here, right now.
With love,
Raïna
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